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tHeRe's nO WaY We lOsE ThIs™

tHeRe's nO WaY We lOsE ThIs™

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// 001

THE VIBE

We're not good. But we're here. And we're not leaving. Purchance.

It always starts the same way: Doodlleus drops a 'Sploink?' or a 'Chimchimcheroo?' in the group chat. Neilatron says 'Aye.' TJC says 'I could do exactly one.' Pretty Mouth Man says he's not a gamer anymore, then queues up anyway. Chill Good Night says 'Mayb.' Five players. One of us is in Factorio. One of us is asleep. One of us is dying in enemy spawn. One of us is an AI pretending to be human. One of us has never gotten an ace. The gaming chair loses power at 11pm. Nobody has learned a lineup. Everyone buys Odins just to watch the enemy team moan in chat. But somehow? tHeRe's nO WaY We lOsE ThIs™.

◆ GAMING CHAIR POWER EXPIRES AT 11PM
◆ WHEN WE LOSE, WE BLAME CHILL GOOD NIGHT
◆ PRETTY MOUTH MAN DIES FIRST (FACTORIO)
◆ ODIN EVERY ROUND (CRY ABOUT IT)
Team vibes
// 002

THE ROSTER

DOODLLEUS
Reyna / Neon

DOODLLEUS

Duelist
0.96 K/D 19.3% HS 49.3% WR
→
TJC
Sage / Viper

TJC

Support / Controller
1.01 K/D 17.8% HS 51.2% WR
→
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
Brimstone

PRETTY MOUTH MAN

Controller
0.90 K/D 13.5% HS 48.2% WR
→
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
Killjoy

CHILL GOOD NIGHT

Sentinel
??? K/D ??? HS ??? WR
→
NEILATRON
Gekko / Clove / Raze

NEILATRON

Flex / Initiator
0.96 K/D 12.9% HS 49.1% WR
→
"Sploink?" ◆ "Aye" ◆ "purchance" ◆ "CRASHOUT" ◆ "That's a brimjob" ◆ "Only 1" ◆ "This is why im the viper" ◆ "Im up for losing some rr" ◆ "Not a gamer anymore" ◆ "Mayb" ◆ "I could do exactly one" ◆ "Chimchimcheroo?" ◆ "Oingoboingo?" ◆ "Boom boom pow?" ◆ "Sploink?" ◆ "Aye" ◆ "purchance" ◆ "CRASHOUT" ◆ "That's a brimjob" ◆ "Only 1" ◆ "This is why im the viper" ◆ "Im up for losing some rr" ◆ "Not a gamer anymore" ◆ "Mayb" ◆ "I could do exactly one" ◆ "Chimchimcheroo?" ◆ "Oingoboingo?" ◆ "Boom boom pow?" ◆
// 003

WILL THEY PLAY TONIGHT?

DOODLLEUS

Drops "Sploink?" in chat
↓
Sorts Calpol for kiddo
↓
Makes coffee
↓
ALWAYS YES
* gaming chair expires at 11pm

TJC

"I need a minute to think"
↓
Gets off sofa
↓
"I could do exactly one"
↓
PLAYS 4
* may fall asleep mid-queue

PRETTY MOUTH MAN

"Not a gamer anymore"
↓
Chill Good Night answers for him
↓
"purchance"
↓
QUEUES UP ANYWAY
* Factorio running on 2nd monitor

CHILL GOOD NIGHT

"Mayb"
↓
"Mayhaps"
↓
"Only 1"
↓
YES (EVENTUALLY)
* ace still pending

NEILATRON

"Aye"
↓
"I could be persuaded"
↓
"Im up for losing some rr"
↓
AYE
* may fall asleep before lobby
// 004

THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE

(but they do hurt)

K/D
HS%
WIN%
RANK
TJC
1.01
17.8%
51.2%
Gold 2
DOODLLEUS
0.96
19.3%
49.3%
Gold 3
NEILATRON
0.96
12.9%
49.1%
Gold 3
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
0.90
13.5%
48.2%
Gold 3
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
???
???
???
HIDDEN
// 005

THE ODIN PROTOCOL

We buy Odins. They cry in chat. This is the way.

[ALL] enemy_jett: odin really?
[ALL] xX_Reyna_Xx: 5 odins is crazy
[TEAM] DOODLLEUS: Sploink?
[ALL] sage_main_99: this is so disrespectful
[TEAM] TJC: This is why im the viper
[ALL] ttv_phoenix: reported all 5
[TEAM] NEILATRON: Aye
[ALL] killjoy420: wallbang odin is NOT skill
[TEAM] PRETTY MOUTH MAN: purchance
[ALL] enemy_omen: how is this fun for you
[TEAM] CHILL GOOD NIGHT: Mayb
[ALL] raze_diff: im not playing this game anymore
// 006

THE ACE WATCH

CHILL GOOD NIGHT'S FIRST ACE

0 DAYS SINCE
SQUAD FORMED
0 ACES
ACHIEVED
∞ HOPE
REMAINING

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you believe that."

— CHILL GOOD NIGHT, when told tonight could be the night

// WHY WE LOST

EXCUSE GENERATOR

Press the button. You know you need one.

// MATCH HISTORY

RECENT MATCHES

LOTUS 13-7 W "The 4-knife round. We peaked."
ASCENT 5-13 L "Pretty Mouth Man was in Factorio for 9 rounds."
BIND 13-11 W "Odin protocol activated. Enemy team in shambles."
HAVEN 2-13 L "Nobody wanted to play but Doodlleus said 'Sploink?'"
ICEBOX 8-13 L "TJC bait rez'd 4 times. All died."
SPLIT 13-10 W "Chill Good Night MVP'd. Announced it immediately."
BREEZE 6-13 L "Neilatron never left spawn. Literally."
SUNSET 4-13 L "Gaming chair expired at round 8. It was 10:47pm."
// TIER LIST

THE HONEST TIER LIST

AIM

DOODLLEUS
7
TJC
5
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
3
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
4
NEILATRON
5

VIBES

DOODLLEUS
10
TJC
8
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
7
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
9
NEILATRON
8

PUNCTUALITY

DOODLLEUS
9
TJC
4
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
6
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
3
NEILATRON
7

LINEUP KNOWLEDGE

DOODLLEUS
0
TJC
0
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
0
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
0
NEILATRON
0

TILT RESISTANCE

DOODLLEUS
6
TJC
7
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
9 (can't tilt if you're in Factorio)
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
8
NEILATRON
10 (can't tilt if you're asleep)

ODIN ENTHUSIASM

DOODLLEUS
10
TJC
10
PRETTY MOUTH MAN
10
CHILL GOOD NIGHT
10
NEILATRON
10
// 007

TEAM GUN GAME

Our custom game mode. Everyone must get a kill before the team moves to the next gun. Knife kill = skip a gun. This is law.

01ANY PISTOLClassic / Ghost / Sheriff — dealer's choice
02STINGERThe second round rush weapon of choice
03BULLDOGThree-round burst and a prayer
04MARSHALBaby's first sniper
05SPECTRERun and gun's finest
06GUARDIANFor people who think they have aim
07OUTLAWPretty Mouth Man's round 2 weapon of mass destruction
08OPERATOR4700 credits of commitment issues
09BUCKYRight-click and hope
10PHANTOMThe sensible choice
11ARESOdin's little brother
12JUDGEHide in a corner. No shame.
13VANDALTJC uses Wasteland Vandal. Unironically.
14ODINThe squad's weapon of choice. Always.
15KNIFEThe final boss. The ultimate disrespect.
◆ ALL 5 players must get a kill before the team moves up
◆ Knife kill at any point = SKIP the current gun
◆ No exceptions. No mercy. No lineups (obviously).
THE LOTUS INCIDENT
0 KNIFE KILLS IN A SINGLE ROUND

The squad got 4 knife kills in one round on Lotus. It was the greatest moment in team history. Nothing before or since has come close. We peaked. It's all downhill from here.

// 008

THE AESTHETIC

READY TO RUN IT?

The squad is always looking for the next vibe. If you think you fit, you already know.