TACTICAL ASSESSMENT

MAP RANKINGS

Every map in Valorant, ranked by five people who have no business ranking anything.

LOVE IT IT'S FINE DELETE THIS

LOTUS

"The Knife Zone. Where legends are made."

The 4-knife round happened here

9/10

LOVE IT

DOODLLEUS Four knives. One round. I peaked here and I will never recover.

TJC I called the rotate and everyone actually listened. Once.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN I was tabbed into Factorio and still got a knife kill somehow.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT The callouts here are elite. "Go A." "Which A?" "THE A."

NEILATRON Aye, I got knifed four times in one round. Wait, that was me getting knifed.

BIND

"Two teleporters and zero lineups needed."

8/10

LOVE IT

DOODLLEUS Teleporter plays make me look smart. The Odin does the rest.

TJC I once TP'd into a full team. It was a 1v5. I got one. Worth.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN Bind is the only map where I don't alt-tab during buy phase. Respect.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT Mayb this is the best map. Mayb.

NEILATRON Teleporter goes WHOOOOSH. That's the whole review.

SPLIT

"Tight corridors = Odin paradise."

7/10

IT'S FINE

DOODLLEUS Mid control with an Odin is not a war crime. It's art.

TJC Ropes are my nemesis. I've died on ropes more than to actual players.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN The corridors are so tight even my spray patterns work.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT Split after midnight hits different. Everything hits different after midnight.

NEILATRON I like the ropes. The ropes do not like me.

HAVEN

"Three sites means three times the confusion."

7/10

IT'S FINE

DOODLLEUS Three sites and we still can't decide where to go. Democracy was a mistake.

TJC C site is MY site. Don't come to C site. I live there.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN I rotate to the wrong site every single time. It's a talent.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT Three sites means three chances to not heal anyone.

NEILATRON Aye, garage is haunted. I've seen things in garage.

SUNSET

"It's fine. It exists."

6/10

IT'S FINE

DOODLLEUS I genuinely forget this map exists between games.

TJC Mid is a coin flip. I like those odds.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN Wait, which one is Sunset again? The orange one?

CHILL GOOD NIGHT Sunset is like Tuesday. It's there. It happens.

NEILATRON Aye it's a map. It has sites. That's all I've got.

ASCENT

"Mid control? We don't know her."

6/10

IT'S FINE

DOODLLEUS We lose mid every round and still somehow win. Science can't explain it.

TJC The double doors are my Roman Empire.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN I can hear the double doors in my nightmares. BANG. BANG. BANG.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT Market is cozy. I go there to heal. Myself. Not teammates.

NEILATRON Mid is just a suggestion. A suggestion I ignore.

PEARL

"Underground map for underground performances."

5/10

IT'S FINE

DOODLLEUS This map is a labyrinth. I get lost. Every. Single. Time.

TJC No teleporters. No gimmicks. Just suffering.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN Pearl is the map I play when I want to feel nothing.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT The water effects are nice. That's the nicest thing I'll say.

NEILATRON Aye, I thought this was a new map. It's been out for years.

FRACTURE

"Getting attacked from both sides, just like our ranked games."

4/10

DELETE THIS

DOODLLEUS Who designed a map where they spawn BEHIND you? A villain.

TJC I zipline. I die. I zipline again. I die again. The definition of insanity.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN I tab out on Fracture and honestly it improves my performance.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT Both sides attacking at once is just my normal life, actually.

NEILATRON Aye, the zipline is fun though. Wheeeee. *dies*

ICEBOX

"Cold map. Cold performances. Cold hearts."

3/10

DELETE THIS

DOODLLEUS Tube is where aim goes to die. My aim was already dead.

TJC I don't have a take. I've repressed all Icebox memories.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN The vertical angles give me actual vertigo. Not a joke.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT Icebox is what happens when a map hates its own players.

NEILATRON Aye, I slipped off B site seventeen times last session. The ice is real.

#10

ABYSS

"Neilatron has fallen off the map 47 times."

3/10

DELETE THIS

DOODLLEUS No walls. Just vibes and a 200-foot drop to your death.

TJC I watch Neilatron fall off the map and it heals my soul.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN I fell off once. I refuse to elaborate or play this map again.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT The abyss stares back. And then you fall into it.

NEILATRON Aye, it's 47 times and counting. The ground is a suggestion.

#11

BREEZE

"Delete this map. Delete it from the game. Delete it from our memories."

2/10

DELETE THIS

DOODLLEUS If you like Breeze, we can't be friends. Squad policy.

TJC Long sightlines + my aim = a humanitarian crisis.

PRETTY MOUTH MAN I'd rather play Factorio. And I do. During Breeze games.

CHILL GOOD NIGHT I dodged so many Breeze queues I got a cooldown. Worth it.

NEILATRON Aye... no. Just no. Next map.